Forbidden Fruit - The Temptation of EC Revisited: Now With Commentary
by AlexAmericus
Summary: That is one long title. Anyway, here's the new Twilight commentary. This one was suggested to me by a reader of mine, hooray! Let it be known that I'm not too partial to Twilight, but that won't stop me from commentating. After all it is my job. This one took a bit of effort because of the overuse of flowery language that nearly caused me to vomit. Rated 'T' for my foul mouth.
1. More Blah Blah Blah YAY

OH MY GOD IT'S AN INTRODUCTION

Howdy folks, back again. And I've got another bad Twilight fanfiction for you.

One thing I need to clear up with Twilight is that I'm not a big fan of it. I used to be in middle school, but then I started reading the books a second time (because I'm a nerd like that) and realized I didn't like it too much anymore. Sparkling vampires aren't for me I guess.

Please note that I'm not one of those Anti-Twilight people, I'm fine with it if people like Twilight, it's just not my preference. If it is for you, yippee-kai-ay motherfucker, good for you; you have a different taste in literature than me. Whoop-de-goddamn-da-doo.

With that being said, I'll try not to be biased. But, by now you guys know me, I don't keep promises even if my life depended on it. I kind of think that promises are on the same lines as lies; it's so hard to keep them and sometimes you end of breaking them. And I'm an brutally honest person, lying is not something I can easily and readily do.

Enough with the confession because I'm pretty sure none of you are ordained priests.

If you're new; here's some guidelines of my own:

1) Commentary's in **[bold brackets] **because I am obnoxious as fuck.

2) See that F-bomb up there? Yeah, that's the reason this is rated 'T.'

3) Trolololololololololol.

Message me suggestions on what I should commentate next. If you've got a fanfiction, I'm damn well going to spoof it.

**DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER! HOLY SHIT IT'SA GODDAMN DISCLAIMER! (I swear these are getting longer):** Blah blah blah references aren't mine, they're shit that I thought of for the sake of comedy. Footnotes explain shit, yadda yadda yadda.


	2. Chapter 1: Altantiana

AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, **[Improved from what? I'd hate to see that.]** hope its better this time! btw i am young **[Not an excuse.]** and have dyslexia **[Stop using your disability as a copout.]** i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal **[Unformal...*snicker*]** ok! no critisism pls! **[Are you serious. Well guys, hell is about to be unleashed.]** tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) **[Ew.][Alt. That just feels weird because my older bother's name is Zack...]** amd my besfreind Tiffi **[I also have a friend named Tiffany, whom I call Tiff...damn this is awkward.]** LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) **[*eye twitch*]** love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx

UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see **[I'm not seeing anything, I still see dribble.]** (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.

Chapter 1 – Altantiana

Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren **[That's a mouthful.]** (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa). I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington! **[How convenient.]** My hair is long and pale like spun gold **[*tries to raise eyebrow* Dammit. Times like this I really wish I could raise one eyebrow.]** and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist. **[*vomits* Too...much...flowery language.]** My eyes are deep forgetminot blue **[Forget-me-nots aren't exactly a deep blue, more like a combination of cyan and royal blue.]** and my delicate fentures are lilly white **[Not all lilies are white.] **and pure as the winter snow in moonlight. **[*forms hand in the shape of a mock gun and points at head*] **I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl **[You mean Playboy bunny.]** (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!) **[There's a name for that you now; it's pedophilia.]** but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story. **[What is this? **_**Mean Girls?**_**]** They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight **[From experience: impossible. I eat a lot sometimes and gain weight, but because of my semi-active lifestyle I work, sweat, and sometimes even stress it off.(1)]** and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways, I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!) **[Damn. I know this isn't in Caps, but hell - this qualifies as All Caps Hulk Rage.]**

Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE **[You fail. Your bust size is proportional to your weight unless you get surgery.]** because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me! **[*face palm*]** I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair. **[NO. ONE. CARES.]** I smell like mint and cinnamon.** [Bad combo. Mint and spice don't really go together, as they both have a very bold, strong smell. You need a more subtle, sweeter smell to balance out a bold scent. With cinnamon: apple is the most common compliment...holy hell where did that come from?]** I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music! **[Define 'cool music.']**

It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. **[Very generic. I approve.]** They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family. **[I think other foster kids and orphans would disagree with you.]** I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. **[*rolls eyes* Cliché tragic past. Next.]** I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him. Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. **[The tortoise is not outracing the hare this time.]** Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants **[That she stole from Mello.]** with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it. **[...I don't make this judgment often but...whore.]** I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils **[That is the most creative spelling of 'imbecile' I've seen to date.]** pointing at me. I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) **[Don't dress the way you do then jailbait.]** and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak! Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! **[It seems like you have some very deep-set anger issues.]** My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,. **[Umm...that's not necessarily a good thing. In fact that's something normal people report to the police.]**

My ears are pierced four times, **[*head desk* No one fucking cares.]** I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) **[STAY OVER THERE!(2)]** on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life. **[At least it's not a nine-pointed star.]** Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this, **[Yes, I am, because this has nothing to do with the story and is completely pointless in every way shape and form.]** well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl. **[Of course not.]** I have a secret, **[Of course you do.]** a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand. **[Enough with the air of mystery, most of your 'readers' gave up on it.]** When I sleep I hear whispers in another language and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it! **[Then how the hell are you talking about it now?]** I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color! **[The fucking motherfuck? Are you some kind of demented female version of Harry Potter?]** I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. **[Fuuuuuuuu-]** I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. **[My brain is melting.]** The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept! **[Is it over?]**

At lunch **[FUCK!]** I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me. **[Hey, if you fail high school - the Russian Circus will have you.]** It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude **[Enter Shovelface.]** with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. He was tall and mussel **[...*snicker*...*hysterical laughter*]** and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him. **[Estrogen at it's finest.]** I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt! **[Blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH]** A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her. **[Well aren't you vain?]** I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low. **[I would just like to thank The Nine and Wednesday 13 for keeping me sane throughout these fanfictions...]** So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there. **[Most likely there's security cameras in there.]** As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine. I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class. I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK! **[Rage rage rage!]**

"WTF!" I screamed loudly, **[I thought dope was supposed to relax you...hmm. I don't think that was marijuana she was smoking.]** "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems) **[Gee, really? I didn't notice.]**

"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven "please forgive me my lady" **[...No one talks like that anymore.]**

It was the hawt pale guy! **[DUN DUN DUNNN...wait...this seems familiar.]**

**Footnotes:**

(1): WARNING! DO NOT FUCKING DO THIS! IT IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH! - I mentioned stress because in my senior year in high school I was part of the Yearbook team. In that class I was the Photo Editor (all pictures had to be run by me for a quality check) on top of that I was in charge of a total of three sections (Cross Country, Math and Science, and Senior Mugs). It was all very stressful, and that year I didn't eat too much. Couple that with constant stress for a consecutive hour throughout the week and I lost about fifteen to twenty pounds before the year was over.

(2): I changed Scorpion from Mortal Kombat's phrase.


	3. Chapter 2: Edward

AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is **[You couldn't take the time to figure out the name?]** thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D*** no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave. **[Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the lamest comeback in fanfiction history.]**

Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, **[Yes, she is.]** she's not "perfect" **[You say the words, but do you believe them? WHOA I just had an Achilles moment.]** look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason **[And that reason is because she is a Mary Sue.]** i will explain it as the story goes on.

Chapter 2 - edward **[Such a generic chapter name, I do not approve.]**

The anger faded form my sapphire eyes

"whatevah" i said sweatily **[Is this Tara?]** "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride"

"thou are too beuatiful for that" **[AGAIN, no one talks like that.]** he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping **[Lolwut?]** the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled.

"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?" **[*eye twitch* IT'S 'WHO ART THOU' YOU IGNORANT, UNCULTURED SWINE.]**

"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" **[...You could've just introduced yourself by your nickname. Works for me.]** i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy!** [That **_**does not**_** make it alright.]** His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical. **[...What?]**

"thou reminds me of bygone times" **[Aaaauuuugggghhhh.]** he said, carefully retching **[Ew.]** out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional" **['THOU ART' IT'S 'THOU ART' YOU FUCKWAD. Criminy.]**

"your not so shanky **[Lolwut?]** yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! **[Unnecessary and unwarranted anger will get you no where.]** I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" I notched his hand hard with my long black nails. **[Ouch.]**

"thee DID notice me then?" **[STOP RAPING SHAKESPEAREAN ENGLISH. YOU ARE RUINING SHAKESPEARE FOR ME!]** he purred with a sly grin. I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. He wanted to sex **[Rape.]** me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me! **[Rape. Rape-y rape rape.]** I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon. **[Well in Whoville they say, the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day...]** I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top. He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot **[*hysterical laughter*]** standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs. And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor. We made out for 10 minutes **[...Yuck.]** and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you? **[From what I'm reading, yes.]** I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death! **[And here folks we have a necrophiliac.]** I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions. **[Oh really? Then why, pray tell, didn't you stop him until this point, hm?]**

-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed

"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" **[...If I'm decoding this correctly, I'm pretty sure that qualifies as sexual harassment.]** he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. **[Estrogen's a bitch, ain't it?]** At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties **[...The what now?]**


	4. Chapter 3: Uncle Larry

AN - hi guys hope u like this **[No, I don't]** one im quite proud of it! **[That is sad.]** thanx for the suport **[What support?]** from my frends love u girls!glad u like it! **[They be lying to you.]** oh an VINCENT ur so dumb **[Yet another lame comeback, how old is this person?]** of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz! **[Oh I beg to differ from what I read in the last chapter.]** one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT! **[Fucking criminy I hate people that make this argument...**_**We have to read the damn thing to know if we like it or not dumbass.**_**]** NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off! **[Oh no, there is a point alright. And you just proved it.]**

Capter 3 – uncle larry **[...I didn't even read ahead and I know what this is going to entail.]**

I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me! **[Well with the way you dress I'd be thoroughly surprised if he didn't notice you.]** But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame **[Fun fact #1: The red or orange flames of a fire are actually the coolest.]** wean he touched me and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off, and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF anyways, **[Although, I think if you'd've let him finish, he would've given you some money for your services.]** even if she was a mean girl **[So this is **_**Mean Girls**_**.]** with an ugly heart and not that hawt. **[Dude, literally EVERY female feels this way when she likes a guy but already has a girlfriend. At least that's what I've observed.]** But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range **[WHO WAS PHONE!?(1) Sorry, couldn't resist.]**

"hello "

"hey, is that altantiana?"

"yah who is this?" I aksed.

"its Mike nooton from your class! I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush **[*snicker*]** with me too morrow night maybe? Theres a party on the beech **[There's a singular beech tree that you're going to party on? I wouldn't recommend that.]** with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -

"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked

"you mean bella and jessica's gang? Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. **[Ugh.]** And they can be mean sometimes.-"

"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP! **[This guy just confessed something to you that wouldn't've happened in real life you bitch.]** and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike! **[That happens to people you know, including me, very surprisingly. (2)]** Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! **[Oh that's rich.]** And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran you cant even imagine! **[Then why in the blue hell are you allowed to mingle with the rest of society, hm?]** u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was!" **[You just told him you were asylum material, nimrod.]**

"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your **[*goes into an All Caps Hulk Rage over Word Crimes*]** so beautiful you cant even imagine. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around and forget there names and forget to brethe! **[...That...is not good.]** How can't you have noticed that? And I don't CARE how screwed up you are! It only maked you more interesting! **[Um...not really, it's just made her a ticking time bomb...what is that mysterious ticking noise?] ** Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? " **[*yawn* Is it over?]**

"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was. **[*face palm*]**

"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen. **[Isn't that **_**exactly**_** what Bella said?]** Even though I was anger with edward **[Get on with it.]** than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore, a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. **[Yes, get on with it.]** I creamed myself. **[And now I understand what that means...YUCK.]** My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. **[GET ON WITH IT!]** I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore. **[I can. Tee fucking hee.]** I was scared of the affect he had on me.

"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly

"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day. **[How convenient.]**

"you look so pretty" **[Here we go again.]** she says, smiling -your **[AUGH!]** the prettiest gril i've ever seen!" **[You must have cataracts then.]**

"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. I pulled my blond hair over my face. **[Well hi Samara.]** I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking. **[This has got to be another Tara, or maybe it is Tara. Suspicious.]**

"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!" **[...Then don't. Take her with you.]**

"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself! **[Nope.]**

Marie smiles and leaves the house. **[I like Marie. She's evil, like me. :)]**

"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face **[*bored out of my mind*]**

"Hey - i said

"your the orphan arent you" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?" **[Em, not possible. Infants do not possess the motor skills to do that. You can die in childbirth yes, but in no way is the infant responsible for that. It more has to do with complications during the pregnancy itself or childbirth...**_**how do I know this!?**_**]**

"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears **[Redundancy is redundant.]**

"your an evil bich arent u? **[No, that's my job.]** Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly **[Ah yes, the tyrannical authority figure.]**

I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche. **[Useless filler detail.]** He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me! **[Redundancy is redundant.]** After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face **[Ten sins for child abuse.]**

"wft!" i shouted

He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. **[I think I know where this is going...]** I was wet and crying and he started to rip my dress **[Yep.]** and bra of me and rip my clothes. He touched my naked breats **[Dude, this is out in the open.]** and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt. He bent me over the bonet **[She means bonnet, and for all my American readers that don't know: Bonnet = Hood.]** of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour **[*eye twitch* Schmurr...(3)]** then he pulled my panties down and started to rape me! **[Ugly, shady uncle is a rapist cliché. *ding*]**

"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop! The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small. **[*face palm*]** I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there. **[Irrelevant question, but how old is Our Sue again? Was that ever mentioned?]** I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed. **[Oh, Blair Witch! Slenderman! I've got something for you!]**

Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, **[Oh wow, wasn't expecting you to get here so quickly Slenderman. Oh hey, say hi to Masky and Hoody for me will you?]** his eyes **[Wait, eyes? Well damn, maybe next time.]** were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,.

"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?- **[Who the fuck is this?]**

"omg" **[I swear Minions, if you use text-speak in your everyday language, I will hunt you down. Just kidding. But, seriously - don't fucking do it.]** I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark.

**Footnotes:**

(1): Creepypasta, look it up. It's funny.

(2): On my experimental MeetMe profile (I'm conducting a social experiment) I've had several guys offer to take me out to dinner or breakfast...it's weird.

(3): Thanks Superwoman.


	5. Chapter 4: La Push

AN = No flames pls, theres no point! **[You just proved the point of flaming and trolling yet again.]** if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that! **[I am not repeating myself, you swine.]** btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her! **[You say this, but readers aren't stupid.]** she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible.u flamers arent even makin sense1 **[Where are the old reviews to this thing? Did anyone save them?]**

Chapter 4 - la push **[...you off a cliff. I had to. :D]**

I sat quitely on the la push beech apart form the party that was going on beside me. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy and he was so borin! **[Nice guys always finish last...]** None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy. My thoughts were elsewhere **[Of course they are.]** - i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter. **[Hm? Oh, I'm eating breakfast right now, so I couldn't care less about your sob story.]** I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO **[*still eating soup* Tasty.]** when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry **[Oh boo fucking hoo. Take a number and go stand in line with the rest of the Mary Sues, when I'm ready to give a fuck I'll call your number.]**

"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. **[I just thought of the patients from Outlast. *shudder*]** It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything **[...Did she just accurately describe Kristen Stewert?]**

"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow and stupid like your all ways are" **[Lust makes people do crazy things.]**

"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth biaach with her slutty top and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER or what?" **[I agree with the antagonist, like always.]** Jessica screamed. She was realy ugly when she shouted even though she was technology a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes. **[Red herring! Red herring!]**

"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! **[Last I checked Jess didn't nearly sleep with someone who already had a girlfriend.]** you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts!" **[Hey Mike, just keep in mind that nice guys tend to finish last, unfortunately. (1)]** mike shouted

"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge, I bet they are fake!- **[I was wondering the same thing.]** she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.

I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable. **[WHY COULDN'T SATAN MAKE ME LESS BEAUTIFUL!?]** I wasnt stuck up **[Yes, you are.]** and didnt think I was beta than anyone else **[Yes, you did. Numerous times.]** because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! **[How can you expect that when you describe yourself as an asylum patient?]** I could'nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong! **[You were conceived. That's what you did wrong. Out of a million mind-sperm, you were the fastest. That is your crime.]**

-are u ok?" said someone from beside me

"who arr you?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back **[This is turning into a cult.]**

-we are tyffani, **[...Learn to spell.]** abigaille **[*rolls eyes*]** and rochelle" they said smiling "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?" **[Yep definitely a cult.]**

"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said **[Get back in line, Sue.]**

"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school **[Everyone's entitled to their own opinion...so long as it doesn't cause harm to others. And you are hurting my brain cells.]** now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities " **[But you just - I give up.]**

"cool" I said, and we talked for hours

I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours **[REDUNDANT.]** and they were so cool. I'd never had proper freinds before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, **[Opposites don't equal enemies. I'm an Atheist and my friend Brittany is the daughter of a pastor.]** and I liked them cause they were uber cool and we had loads of stuff in common! **[No shit Sherlock, ya'll are clones of one another.]** But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech. It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again. Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.

"well tiaa, thou **[Fucking motherfuck.]** seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy and from another time. Edward. **[Enter Shovelface.]**

"what do you mean!" I demanded

"basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee, **[*tries to raise one eyebrow* **_**Still**_** can't fucking do it, you'd think I'd be able to by now.]** and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, **[Lolwut?]** hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck. **[Ew ew ew ew.]**

"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre **[*head desk*]** girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! I dont like her or anything, **[Of course you wouldn't.]** but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone. **[Go ahead, see if anyone gives a flying fuck.]** Tyfanni told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, **[When did that happen?]** watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?" **[*headbanging* Ow, bad idea.]**

"OMG SWEET LADY! THY MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " **[*spazzes* Ow, I just fell off my chair. Thanks a lot Twinkletoes.]** he screamed "it was a moment of madness thats all! **[Sure it was.]** Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is, **[Then what the fuck was that in the hallway?]** no matter how much thou intrests me" **[Why does that seem hypocritical or paradoxical?]**

"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down on the grind. **[*hysterical laughter* Oh whoops, sorry guys, I'm listening to Slipknot's new album and the chorus of "Custer" is making me laugh.][Follow up: That's just disgusting.]** I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly i didnt even try to resist him. **[How many times am I going to reference estrogen?]** He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear. I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts. **[*gag*]**

"have sex with me now edward " **[What happened to the morality? Oh there it is - flying out the window.]** I whispered

" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples **[Bye Morality! Have a good vacation in the Bahamas!]**

"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore but unable to control my burning desire **[...You guys know what I'm going to say.]**

-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying. **[Wuss.]**

I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me and even worse he had said no! **[Ha ha ha.]** I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night **[I don't know why but the shoe abuse reminded me of a time a cat knocked down a cubby hole and it struck me on the head.]** and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut **[...pardon?]** even though it made me want to die inside. Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself **[*eye twitch* Fucking hate these people.]** as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep. **[Not impossible. Everyone dreams when they sleep. You may not remember what it was about, but we all dream.]**

**Footnotes:**

(1): Most definitely not true for me.


	6. Chapter 5: The Talent Contest

AN - can i have some reveiws pls? **[No Cheezburger Cat, you can't.]**

Chapter 5 - the talent contest

It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside. **[Everyone is slowly dying...just being a realist.]** My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind. **[The darkness of the mind is a wonderful thing. It allows you to critically think about forbidden subjects. I should know.]** the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair and saying i was too slim and that i had boobs like a pron star. **[*face palm* I have honestly stopped caring. She keeps repeating the same shit over and over again and calling it new material!]** It relay upset me. and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me loads of times last week **[Has it ever occurred to you that you can call the police? What a concept.]** and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me **[Why not tell your foster parents what's happening? What a fucking concept.]** and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened. **[*slaps the Sue* SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON'T CARE.]** Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him **[*snicker*]** and pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel **[*points finger gun to head*]** and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass. I would probably have ended my life that week if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds **[Cult followers.]** abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni, who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders - i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard **[Why not? If you're not going to call the cops yourself, then at least tell someone what's going on, criminy.]** but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways. I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch

"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me

"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly

"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer **[Since when?]** your the best iv'e ever heard, no joke!" **[I prefer Emmy Rossum and Idina Menzel.]** shouted abbigaile

"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have, the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am. **[Are you surprised?]** I just wanna be an average person" **[Sorry, average does not exist. And if it did it would be too boring.]**

"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said, "jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying, **[I enjoy dance routines, especially from my old high school.]** they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!"

"I dunno maybe" I plimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it. **[Good. Don't ruin a good show.]**

Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest. **[I wonder if there's a marksman.]** The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome, they were just wearing slutty cloths so all the guys could stare at them **[Or a swordsman.]** and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked. At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me. **[I think you mean estrogen.]** they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time i still wanted to cry and scream.

The principal caked up on the stage and said

"and now for our final act...atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked

"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed

"who knows girl just get up there !" **[It was you wasn't it?]** abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.

I sang total eclipse of the heart **[I actually like that song.]** (punkrock verson **[Aaaand you just ruined it for me.]** so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0 and everyone watched me. I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves (exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL) **[*rolls eyes*]** so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic. **[Can someone throw an old boot at her? (Phantom: "I can do better, I will make the wench croak like a toad.") Holy crap, thank you so much Erik!]** I was waering a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels. **[Unrelated bullshit.]** the song finished and everyone looked happy and clangled at me and i went blushing to sit on my freinds **[Don't suffocate them.]**

"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches **[When did they activate their Tree Powers?]** put my name down for this!-" i said but i was smiling

"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!" **[You sure about that?]**

"and the winner is...ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN! " **[Of course.]** the principal screamed extatically. I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao. **[Did she just start embracing the fact that she's a troll?]** My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly at me. I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt and gorgeous. **[*humming*]** I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection it was so hawt and sexoy. **[*whistles*]** I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled. **[*still not paying any fucking attention whatsoever*]**

Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred up beside me. It was ewdard! **[Dun dun fucking dun.]**

"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" **[*head desk*]** he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech. **[To which no one has used since the late 17th century, if they used it at all.]** I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite

"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight. **[*vomits*]** You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church. i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there" **[Hey Tara, every time you use that much flowery language and rape Shakespearean English a cute animal dies.]** he still had a huge erection **[Might want to take him to the nearest hospital.]** and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt.

"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" i snapped "where is she neway?"

"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest" **[**_***Liberate my madness!***_**]**

"how mature" **[As if you are any better?]** I said sacastically. **[HEY! Sarcasm is my job, keep away from sarcasm, for it's ultimate power is only granted to a few worthy enough to control it.]** At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face **[BOOM BITCH.]**

'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!#" **[How did that pound sign work it's way in there?]** I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest **[That can be considered unprovoked physical assault.]** "last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me and you turned me down! **[You can't be too surprised.]** I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE! **[I don't know why, but I want to watch **_**Vampires Suck.**_**]** Watt the hell is wong with u? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist! dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"

"its complecated tiaa my lady. Im sorry i hurt thine feelings. **[I'm not. :D]** Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. **[Cute animals are DYING Tara. What don't you get?]** I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!" **[Yes, you are.]**

"its me or her "i said bluntly

"i cant make that choice tiaa **[Sure you can. However; there is a third option: **_**run far away and don't look back until you're in Mexico.**_**]** - he wept

"you are going to have to!"

"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?"

"my mom dies when I was bored, I never new my father. Thats it." i said

"we BOTH no thats not the full story. **[Wait, what?]** Your a vampire, like me" **[Oh hell no.]**

-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! **[You better not be for your sake.]** I think id have noticed u total dipshit"

"you don't drink human blood"- he asked

"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!" **[I am...at the stupidity.]** i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk ever again! I went home. But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection and deadly cold body. **[That kind of thing has a name you know: **_**Rigor Mortis**_**.]** i cut myself and went to sleep in tears.


	7. Chapter 6: The Curse

AN - dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later. **[Methinks that it won't.]**

Chapter 6 - the curse

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white **[What is this?]**

Your eyes like amber out of sight **[Huh?]**

Pale angel in my eyes **[Lolwut?]**

Hair like gold rosy sunrise- **[Lolwut?...Again.]**

I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, **[It sucks.]** i just couldnt help myself. I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind **[Sure you can, it's called thinking about something else.]** and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings. Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance. A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there. **[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! Oh whoops, wrong fandom and holiday.]**

"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned

"who are you?" i wispa quietly

"i am your FATHER! I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI! **[DUN DUN MOTHERFUCKING DUN.]** Your in terror and peril my daugher! Beware the vampire boy called edward!" **[*pops neck* Ah, that felt good. You were saying?]**

"why?" I said

"you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE! **[Oh geez.]** And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them..." **[That is one hell on an abstinence preach.]** then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.

"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut!" **[Here we go again.]** said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth **[His insurance policy must not cover dental hygiene.]**

"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size **[I find that hard to believe.]** but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed. **[Look away kids.]** I new he was going to rape me again. But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick **[That would've broken, you must not realize how much force it takes to knock someone out with a flimsy piece of plywood.]** and knocks him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD! **[This has got to either be a Tara-copycat, or Tara herself.]**

"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?" **[Take a good look asshole.]**

"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me, **[Ummm...he already saw.]** and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.

"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, **[You need to read Shakespeare or Poe then, you'll cry.]** it makes me feel so very moved" he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee"

"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask

" Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, **[You actually can. Promises are not obligations.]** it would be rude and ungentalmanly. **[*snicker* Whatever you say Deadward.]** Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody **[I read differently.]** but she has changed and so have her freinds. I dont know watt made her change, maybe it is mine fault, she just seems angry all the time now." **[*puts on fake white moustache and takes out pen and paper* Care to elaborate on that?]**

"Yah that makes sense I guess" **[Not really.]** i said.

We left the house and went to walk in the woods. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon. **[Of course.]** We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic. **[**_**Wingardium Leviosa.**_**]**

"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say **[You're just saying that to make yourself feel better I think.]**

"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. **[That's believable.]** I could not be responsable for her death! **[You wouldn't be suicide does not equal murder. Unless you consider suicide to be murder of oneself.]** I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady. **[*mimics speaking with hand* This is what you are doing. *closes hand* This is what I want you to do, any questions?]** And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire. **[Herp-a-derp.]**

"your **[FUCKING FUCK MOTHERFUCK. *rages at constant word crimes*]** falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore **[Might want to go to a hospital for that.]**

"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too. **[Why is this always worth mentioned. Oh wait, it isn't.]**

I retched **[Yuck.]** out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. **[*blank stare* Really?]** We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. **[Sexual frustration's a bitch.]** It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. **[*on the phone* Everything's okay Morality, you just enjoy your vacation. You deserve it...What's that?...Oh yeah, morals have still been abandoned...Oh you're going to Puerto Rico now? How wonderful! Send me a postcard.]** But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away. **[Why can I imagine him prancing away like Pepe LePew?]**

I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me.i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. **[Silence is golden, especially when it comes from a Sue. It's very rare.]** But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent. I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! **[Dun dun dunnn.]** My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away. I even wanted to drink blood!and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here **[Here we go, Our Sue is about to take revenge on all those who have wronged her, no matter how trivial.]**

"There you are you horrid SLUG!" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!" **[Has this become some kind of horrid kids show? Why are you telling her that?]**

Something in me snaped. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! i had always ben strong for my size **[Bullshit.]** but now i was SUPER strong!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead! **[*stopped caring*]**


	8. Chapter 7: Surprises!

thanx for the revews! **[I'm serious about sending me any copies of those reviews if anyone has them. I'd like to see those.]**

Chapter 7 - Surprises! **[I hate surprises.]**

I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute. **[How did you wander while lying down?]** I got out of bed, wandering if all the things **[Oh that's what you meant. Learn to spell.]** that had hapened to me last night were just a dream. I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie. THey look at me and smiles adoringly.

"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" **[Augh.]** said marie with her face all bright and happiness.

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent! **[Oh really? I'll be the judge of that.]** For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, **[Nope, still an ugly Mary Sue.]** it was even prettier than before. **[You're delusional.]** My eyes were a weird silvercolor like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows, **[What in the world?]** and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, **[Huh?]** with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac. **[I know what that looks like...purple.]** I was radiant and magical and looked awesome. My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, **[Have you seen some of those portraits?]** my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. **[*snore*]** I was amazed. Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me out **[Pfft.]** of my silent staring. Dave answered it.

"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!" **[That is quite creative spelling of...whatever the fuck that word is supposed to be.]** and he hung up

"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling **[Is Marie actually Joo-Dee in disguise?]**

"uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad! he was my brother" **[He was your brother and yet you call him 'uncle'...that makes no sense.]**

I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school. I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist **[Since when?]** and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him! **[Here comes the Batman complex.]** I was going to explode with guilt. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me. it was a bear - a big panda bear! **[It's a giant mushroom. MAYBE IT'S FRIENDLY!]** it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, **[Giant mushroom! Mushy, giant friend!]** but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.

"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? **[Nope.]** And since when did they SPEAK? **[They never did, you have something of illicit nature running through your system.]** I was totally confused

"WTF?" i screamed!

"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna **[Snuffleupagus?]** but you can call me Snoofles." **[I'll call you Snuffles.]**

"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiusly **[I know, ain't it cute?]**

"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. You can talk to animals. **[When did this turn into an episode of **_**The Wild Thornberrys**_**?]** You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet"

"like watt?" **[40 watt.]** i said

"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me. I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers. **[Are you fucking kidding me?]** The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. **[Are you some kind of weird, demented version of Groot?]** i took my hand away in horror. The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, **[You just can't get over that one night stand, can you?]** and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames. **[STOP HURTING NATURE! IT DID NOTHING TO YOU!]** It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling!

"OMG, how is this possible?" i said **[You tell me, it makes no goddamn sense.]**

"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol" **[Snuffles, you're a troll. I think you and I are going to be friends.]** said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! **[Wait a second, I thought you said she wasn't human anymore?] **will you be my human friend?" **[Looks like we when from **_**The Wild Thornberrys**_** to **_**My Little Pony.**_**]**

"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"

"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"

I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles. **[You're high. That is the only explanation.]** I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less. **[That means you do care, at least a little.]**

in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes. i was playing dodgball **[Dodgeball's fun.]** and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard like biaches **[That's what they're supposed to do.]** but i was dodging them at the speed of light. **[Im-fucking-possible.]** Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls and I slapped her in the face. **[Unwarranted.]**

"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag **[Well that's a mental image that'll stay with me.]**

"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever **[Once there was an ugly barnacle, he was so ugly that everyone died. The motherfucking end.]**

"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, **[Snarf :P (1)]** your so pale and delicateits freaking everyone out and we all hate you!" **[Raaaaage.]**

I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way **[Now that's a mental image.]** and she got struck by a bolt of wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital. **[And you got taken away by the cops, charged with attempted murder, and burned at the stake because nobody fucking knows what the hell you did.]**

I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren. **[You're abusing the Batman complex.]** I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it. **[Seriously? I'm almost for certain this is Tara.]** Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me

"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward. i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor. **[*laughing hysterically*]** I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute. **[Pretty quick recovery time.]**

"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness. Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft bloodand he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward **[*gnawing on pencil in anger and frustration*]**

"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning" **[*pencil breaks* Well damn.]**

"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren" **[Ooh, burn.]** Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me

"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" **[Hooray for bipolarity!]** i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!" **[It was a one night stand, what did you expect?]**

"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" **[*looks at watch*]** he cried and threw his hands up and weeped **[Is this a bad soap?]**

"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! **[Serious business.]** Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!" **[I choose Pikachu, the adorable little scamp.]**

"I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!"** [Actually, can I get an Entei, Raikou, and Suicune over here?]**

He started to cry and I kissed him. **[I'm hungry.]** He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I'd never seen anybody look so perfect. I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week. **[*goes to make an egg sandwich*(2)]**

"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?" **[*cooking sausage*]**

"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice **[*cooking egg*]**

I found some handcuffs on a bench and I tied him to a hook. **[*comes back* What'd I miss?]** he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing. **[...*blinks* What the actual fuck?]** It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth. **[Gross.]** The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical. Sodenly a voice came from behind me

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE? **[Pfft...rodent people.]** I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" **[*eating*]**

It was Bella Swan! **[Dun dun dun.]**

**Footnotes:**

(1): Yay an AmazingPhil reference! Look up 'Phil is not on fire 3' if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

(2): IT'S A RECIPE!

How to make an egg sandwich

Making an egg sandwich at home is much better than going to a fast food place. It also tastes better. And, depending on what meat you select, egg sandwiches can only take 5-20 minutes to make.

What you need:

1 egg

1 slice of cheese of your preference

Any kind of meat of your preference

2 slices of bread

About a teaspoon of butter

A medium sized frying pan

A spatula

The bread

Lightly toast the bread. You don't want it to be too crispy so you'll need to watch it. You'll want the bread to either be light or medium gold. When it's done, grab a plate and place the golden side down (also called the show side). You want the golden side down for presentation purposes.

The egg

Turn on your stove heat on high to heat it up. Occasionally test the pan heat either with a handheld temperature gage or by sprinkling small amounts of water on the surface.

With the water test, what you want to look for is if the droplets are evaporating, sizzling, and dancing around in the pan.

If you do have a handheld temperature gage, wait until the pan it at about 300-400 degrees Fahrenheit (about 149-204 degrees Celsius).

Turn down your pan's heat to medium-low.

Melt your butter in the ban, this serves to make sure that your egg doesn't stick to the pan.

After the butter's melted, crack your egg directly into the pan and gently jab at the yoke and spread out the whites with the eggshell for the preferred size. Your pan is hot, so be quick with this action.

Wait for about thirty seconds to a minute, or whenever you start to see the whites start to solidify, before flipping the egg. If you find out when you slide the spatula under the egg that the egg is still a bit fragile and it break apart when you flip it, remove your spatula and wait just a few seconds more. (I've done this.)

The cheese

After you've flipped your egg, immediately place the slice of cheese on top of the egg. This is so that the cheese will slightly melt while the egg cooks on the other side.

Wait until you see the cheese start to conform to the egg's shape before removing it all.

When the cheese has conformed to the egg, use your spatula to transport the egg and cheese to your bread.

The meat*

These instructions are the major time factor in making your egg sandwich. If you are cooking from raw meat, it will take longer. If you are cooking from precooked meat and just want to warm it up or fry it, it will take much less time. The choice of meat is up to you.

Precooked meat (like lunchmeat): Pick whatever type of meat you prefer, select the number of slices you want, and place them in the pan to fry. Fry the meat until it is lightly brown and then place it on top of the egg and cheese.

Raw meat (raw breakfast sausage, bacon, etc.): Raw meat is a little more difficult and time consuming, and should not be used if you are on a time crunch.

Reheat your pan to 400 degrees Fahrenheit (about 204 degrees Celsius), or conduct the water test, before adding your meat. Your meat should sizzle right when you put it in the pan.

_Cooking meat is based on preference, cook your meat how you like it._

However; with patties, your patty should be about 20% larger than your bread. If you are unsure of this, just flatten the patty as much as possible (without making it too thin) and hope it's correct. Cooking is based on trial and error. If you find your patty is too small, don't worry - it will not change the taste.

To achieve a patty with even thickness; see if you have any wax paper. Lay the wax paper down and place your meat on it, and fold the excess paper over the top. Make sure your meat is a considerable distance away from the crease. Grab another plate, line it up so your meat is directly under the middle, and gently press down on the middle of the plate to flatten. If you don't have wax paper, flatten the patty as best you can with your hands.

*Meat is entirely optional. If you are vegetarian, either skip the meat or maybe use grilled or fried vegetables. :)


	9. Chapter 8: The Kidnap

hey guys sory its been so long since an update, **[Oh no, don't be sorry, in fact I would've preferred it if you stayed off the face of the Earth.]** i hav been so busy latley. **[So am I, and yet I somehow find the time to do these.]** sooooo..i had a fight with my old beta but i have a new 1 now an she is helpin me byut she is on vacaton this wk and next so i promise i will sort the spellin mistaks out wen i can! **[Which turns out to be never.]**

Chapter 8 - the Kidnap

I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked and looked awsome with my exotic lithely hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it. **[Lolwut? No one cared since chapter one.]** but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more. Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself and i was SO mad. **[Care to elaborate?]** how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more? **[Umm...maybe he just doesn't want her to cut her life short?]** I was pissed! and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe. **[...What the fuck?]** So i went home and skipped school and sat in my room in my black corset and leather pantiesand i smoked some drugs and started to weep. **[I told you to get back in line Sue, I'll call your number when I give a fuck.]**

dave came in and made a big smiley face. **[These people are too happy.]**

"hi tiaa! I didnt no you were home! how was school today?" (he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick) **[Is he blind or daft?]**

"it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!" **[I hate you, people actually struggle with shit like this you motherfucker.]** i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.

"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!" **[And I hate you for blowing shit off.]** he said laughing a lot, and i knew he thougt i was just some silly kid wineing about homework and dumb boys and stuff. **[*rolls eyes*]** he didnt no i had killed a man and lost the love off my life and had made lauren get hit by lighting and that all the kids at school thougt i was a freak becase my face and bodys were so diffrent from everyone elses. **[WELL GEE MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY TOLD HIM!]**

"dave your a good person but ur SO FUCKIN DUMB! YOU ASSHOLE!" **[That's not a way to treat your foster dad.]** i shouted at him and i threw my ashtray at his head WITHOUT TOUCHING IT **[You're not Matilda, stop tainting my childhood.]**...it was so weird! why did this have too happen to me!) **[Because you're a Sue.]**

"haha, i guess your right" he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin) **[Actually, you are spoiled. No foster kid would talk that way to their foster parents.]** "its so nice havin you hear tiana, your so pretty. i swear your even prettier than before! and i think your boobs hav grown!" **[Umm...Ick.]**

"yeh i no they are like an E cup now" **[Don't ask me.]** i said. Dave smiled and patted me on the head and left.

I was so sick of bein treated like a kid and no one listenin to me **[*scoffs* That's one thing we can agree on.]** that i got up and got dresed in a long black dress and took some pills (of drugs) **[*slaps* No.]** and went out to the local nightclub which was called Pablo NIghtmare - it was a goth club were all the cool people went in forks. **[I've heard about clubs like those, some freaky shit goes on there.]** bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL! **[And now you sound like an arrogant hipster.]** i met snoofles on the way and he came with me. **[The Teletubby Reject decided to show his face again?]** we went to the club and got drinks and started dancing to the heavy metal music. **['Dancing' and 'heavy metal' do not belong in the same sentence.]** ppl there stared at us cos i was so diffrerent looking **[I thought you said this was a GOFFIK club.]** and Snoofles was a panda, **[Teletubby Reject.]** but we didnt care we were havin so much fun we were SO drunk and had taken a lot of drugs so my head was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere. **[*smacks with Harsh Reality stick* Bad. Bad. Bad.]**

"hi your called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school" said Jasper Cullen **[Run Jasper, run now.]** who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. he was tall. he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. (AN - haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL!) **[Then learn to describe shit.]**

"hey whatever" i said. "why arent you with that girl i all ways see you with?" **[They're not conjoined twins you know.]**

"you mean my GF alice," he said and locked soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips. **[Sudden sadness. I feel awkward. I'm moving this way. *shuffles left*]**

"what is wrong Jasper?" i said

"the problem is i dont love her like she loves me. i am gay, and thats wrong, and i feel so horible about it!" **[*tilts head* What?]**

"theres nothing bad about bein gay u no" i said. **[That's one other thing that we agree on Sue. Don't be fooled though, I'm still not giving any fucks.]**

"REALLY?" he sed, and looked chocked with his mouth open.

"yeah, its proper normal and Snoofles is gay and everything" i said and Snoofles waved and Jasper waves back. he smiled and we all stared dancing together and Jasper gave us some of his drugs. **[*swipes and destroys* Nein.]**

we had a relay good time and jasper met another gay guy called Vince and we all got in Snoofleses car at the end of the night and i drove around while the others all had sex in the back of the car. **[Oh nasty.]** (i was drunk but cos i was a vampire it was ok to drive i had beter reflex than humans!) **[Just because you're a vampire doesn't justify drunk driving bitch.]**

but soddenly somethin jumped into the road infront of us and i had to stop the car and get out. there was a man standin in the middle of the road **[Michael Myers? Jason Voorhees? Leatherface?]** he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness. **[Hi Jacob.]** he was good looking but he looked so angry i got out my samurai sword (i often have it with me!) **[Seriously?]** but somone jammed up behind me and tore it from me, there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! **[You pissed off the Don.]** Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice, **[Damn.]** i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other **[This has now turned into **_**Brokeback Mountain**_**]**- it was so cute but now was SO not the time! The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous. **[Damn, what did you do to the Don to piss him off that bad?]**

when i awoken i found myself in a small dark room and the tall mussel man was in front of me. i was strip down to my underwear **[Of fucking course.]** and i was chained to a chair with some metal chains **[Chains, unless a Halloween prop, are all made of steel dumbshit.]** and i coudnt move.

"WHO ARE YOU YOU WANKY PERV!" i shoyted.

"I AM JACOB...THE WEREWOLF KING!" **[Is that similar to the Bark Lord?]** he yelled with his eyes rolling around in his face **[When did you get glass eyes Jake?]** - he looked so mad and CRAZY!

"NOOOOOOO!" I scremed and i try to broke myself free but i was under so many heavy chains so i looked into his wagging face insted. **[Lolwut?]**

"Watt do u want from me? why am i here?" i say and i started to cry.

"YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN!" he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like. "YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD! YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH!ITS WEIRD AND WRONG AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!" **[OH MY GOD JACOB TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING CAPS LOCK!]**

This dude was insane, he was so angery he was jumpin up and down. But something he said had caugt my atention.

"What do u mean my mom was a whitch?" **[He means that your mom was a witch. *troll face* U MAD BRO?]** I said.

"MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE AND CONTROLL THE WETHER AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!" **[Jacob, this is an intervention, you've got to turn off your Caps Lock.]**

Of corse! It all made sense now! I was so shocked I fainted, **[Pansy.]**

When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED! **[I think I know where this is going.]** He was smilling in a proper creepy way and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing and his male genital item was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom. **[I hate mushrooms, so this is a - oh dear *vomits*]** he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed. **[Yep. I knew it.]** whatt was he going to do to me! **[Look deep into your recent past and figure it out.]** but sudenly before he coud come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!

IT WAS EWDARD! **[I know this sentence was finished, but the fanfiction ends here. Candlejack is on a roll.]**


End file.
